How to BE with emotions
Especially those tricky ones...
Though all emotions have a vital role, not all emotions are...pleasant.
And that's kind of the point!
Some emotions are distinctly unpleasant because they are calling upon us to take action (whether that's to tend to a boundary that's been crossed as might be the case with anger, propel ourselves to safety from fear, OR encourage us to access nurturance from another or ourselves as may be the case with sadness).
But here’s the rub…
If you're like most folks, when you experience unpleasant emotions (anger, sadness, disgust, fear, just to name a few), you likely want to quickly find a way to NOT feel those emotions (and quick!).
As such, for a variety of reasons (including but not limited to expectations within your family of origin, broader cultural norms, and your psychological state), when you experience unpleasant emotions, you may have developed distinct coping strategies to NOT experience those unpleasant emotions.
Coping strategies such as being disconnected from your body (and thus the sensations which signal emotion), mental distraction techniques (hello social media), or potentially harmful strategies like self-harm, punitive eating/ fitness, or substance use.*
*if you are struggling with potentially harmful strategies such as self-harm, punitive eating/ fitness, and/or substance abuse please know you don't have to suffer in silence. Please let this be your cue to reach out (to your doctor, a qualified therapist or someone else you know and trust).
Here's the thing about emotions.
Ignoring them, pushing them down, and numbing them doesn't make them go away. In many cases, this simply causes more disruption and extends the unpleasantness.
So, what can we do?
Well, given that much of what I just described is happening at a sub-conscious level (ie. you're not really aware you're doing it), the very FIRST step is to begin to NOTICE and become familiar with your emotions (that's much of what we've focused on this month).
Once we're more AWARE of our emotions, then what?
Well, fun fact, if we actually ALLOW the activation associated with the emotion to simply "be" and run its course then they tend to resolve (from a neuro-chemical perspective) in 60-90 seconds (this comes from the work of neuroscientist, Dr. Jill Bolte-Taylor).
The problem? We tend get ahead of ourselves and end up in an activation spiral involving thoughts, secondary feelings, etc.
The answer?
It may (or may not) surprise you to hear me say that one thing that can really help is Self-Compassion.
Self-Compassion allows us to mindfully notice (with non-judgement) that we're in an emotional state, it helps us see that all humans experience this (aka. common humanity) and it empowers us to meet the discomfort we're experience with either tenderness (*perhaps that nurturance I mentioned earlier) or fierceness (*running to safety or address a boundary as in my earlier example).
With Self-Compassion we can acknowledge that we're in an unpleasant experience, without the unpleasant experience taking over (ie. it gives us a sense of agency).
I don't know about you, but it also REALLY helps to know that this too shall pass (in about 60-90 seconds).
If you'd like to learn more about Self-Compassion, you can learn more at this blog about the use of self-compassion in our pursuit of health, or by exploring information and courses here.
Of course, you'll likely not be surprised to hear that I integrate the practice of self-compassion into my one-to-one coaching and counselling with clients as well as in my courses on Intuitive Eating and Mindset.
If you're interested in developing more self-compassion, remember that practice makes progress. Dialing down old, reactive, self-critical ways of being takes time, be patient and keep practicing!
Onward in thriving,
Gillian
A little about me:
I'm a body-neutral health + fitness coach, turned therapist.
What does that mean? In addition to my degree in Kinesiology, multiple fitness/ health registrations (Personal Trainer, Group Fitness Instructor, Yoga Fitness Leader, Certified Intuitive Eating Counsellor), and 25 years in fitness taking a weight-neutral approach, I've now acquired a Master's in Counselling Psychology and some more cool letters behind my name (RCC, aka. Registered Clinical Counsellor in BC).
Read: I'm a body/mind/ spirit health nerd who is passionate about making a difference! I want to help you not just survive, but THRIVE!
Thanks for being here! I hope you enjoy this weekly-ish Substack!
Feeling inspired? Some ways you can connect with me…
One to one Coaching (for health | fitness | intuitive eating)
One to one Counselling (for folks based in BC, Canada)
Virtual Courses and content (Intuitive Eating | Making the Authentic Health Mindset Shift | Body Positive Fitness Library)